“The first time I saw him, I pitied him terribly”. The words of a “wounded woman” as the narrator of the story describes herself moments after the opening line of the novel. Relationships, power imbalance, angst, self-pity, self-hatred, love, victimhood, and desperation are all themes touched on in the brilliant novel by Megan Nolan, Acts of Desperation. Published in 2021, the debut novel by the Irish writer sets the tone immediately by describing the situation in which the narrator meets Ciaran- the villain, the lover, the character, whose lens the unnamed narrator views herself through. There is a lot to grasp, a lot to comment on, and a lot to take in when reading this debut. Young love is far from groundbreaking, but the refreshing reality of this novel, which adds to originality and breathtaking truthfulness, is the raw feeling of vulnerability, failure, and desperation in a young person who is struggling to navigate their way through life and the constant contradictions and victimisation of self.
Megan Nolan photographed by Linda Nylid for The Guardian (2021)
By leaving the main character of the story unnamed, Nolan successfully creates a shared identity between the read er and the fictional character. With a vague language she is able to create scenarios and emotions open for interpretation and, more critically for the reading experience as a whole, the relatability and ability to place oneself in the narrator’s position. Nolan is depicting a young girl who has fallen in love with an older Scandinavian man who´s life experiences and expectations exceed her own. It immediately creates an imbalance in power as she is giving her all to secure the pleasure and happiness of the older man, whilst the obsession and want is not reciprocated- a reality many can relate to and understand on a deeply personal level. This leads to a deeper and more desperate desire to gain the approval and love of Ciaran, a devotion almost religiously followed and sought after. The most convincing part however is the contradiction and troubles the narrator faces within herself. Realizing that Ciaran in fact “isn´t even that great” and that she should “Snap out of it!”, is a panful reminder of how we often realize and acknowledge our own good with a crushing incapability to act on it. We want what we cannot have, or we feel too worthless and fragile to trust our own self-worth to seek what we believe we deserve and what will be good for us- truly good. What is it exactly that is making it so painfully true? The incredible and piercing self-awareness displayed by the narrator.
We are contradictory in nature, understanding what is good for us and acting on it seems at times like the most challenging act there is. Especially when it involves someone we love and care deeply about, or just someone we want the approval and affection of. But when a relationship reaches the point of only seeking the love and desire of your partner when they seem reluctant to give you it, that is when the power balance is the relationship is off and the issue rests and grows within the person themselves. Confronting that reality might be even more challenging. This could be because there is a sense of imposter syndrome, a feeling of not being deserving of love, or rather feeling deserving of the spiteful treatment one is facing. Or the phenomenon of a reward being so good, so important, and so crucial, that taking the leap of faith is scarily exhilarating and terrifying all at once. Nolan captures both these realities as her novel is split between two time periods in the narrator’s life. The first being the present time with Ciaran, a time of self-harm, eating disorder, unresolved trauma, and a constant chase after a man whose only priority lies with his own ego. And a time in the future, a time without Ciaran. A time where things are not perfect but healed. A sense of understanding of previous behaviors, and accountability of how much of this suffering is a choice rather than a plainly at the hands of someone else.
However, what is so brilliant and beautiful is the feminist notion of women these days still suffering under deeply ingrained social, cultural, and political believes that women and their desirability lies at the hands of men. That they are in fact not free of the patriarchal male gaze, but rather that it is more complex and nuanced than before. For we live in a society where women are free to pursue their careers, be independent, live on their own. Yet, the vulnerability of a man who seemingly have the power to make you question everything about yourself, a love so intense you lose your sense of self, these narratives cannot be romanticized. As long as women still see themselves through a lens that was curated by men, we are participating in the realization of female beauty as a means of desirability.
Throughout the book, and when turning the last page, the question is still raised and asked with staggering indirectness: when one is participating and creating one's own degradation and exactly how sorry can you feel for yourself, how empathetically can you expect the world to treat you?
Edited by Charlotte Lewis (Editor-in-Chief)
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