Richard Gadd’s heart-breaking tale of stalking and self-hate resonates
TW: Sexual Violence, Harassment, Stalking
Spoilers Within…
41,000 emails, 744 texts and 350 voicemails — the inspiration behind the hit Netflix series Baby Reindeer. Written by comedian Richard Gadd, the show details his surreal, harrowing and true account of being stalked and harassed by an older woman during his early twenties, as well as exploring a sexual assault that occurred earlier in his comedy career.
The series follows Donny (based on and portrayed by Gadd), a part-time bartender and aspiring comedian who, while working at a pub in Camden, meets Martha (Jessica Gunning), a seemingly sad and lonely woman sat at his bar. Upon finding out she can’t afford to buy a drink, he gives her a free cup of coffee. Donny narrates the experience of meeting Martha for the first time, and you begin to feel uneasy, as you slowly watch Martha's obsession form. His small act of kindness snowballs into a cavalcade of traumatic events, and us viewers are pulled along for the ride. In the early episodes, Donny ignores his initial suspicions surrounding Martha’s erratic behaviour, she showers him with compliments and attention and, at first, he enjoys it. It gives him a confidence boost especially as an aspiring comedian that experiences bouts of rejection.
What sets the series apart from other movies or shows surrounding stalking, is that Baby Reindeer avoids the tropes of conventional depictions, where heroes and villains are clearly defined. The relationship between Donny and Martha is a complicated one, he goes back and forth between being disturbed and frightened by her behaviour while simultaneously wanting to comfort her and recieve her attention. Gadd's portrayal of abuse and the complex feelings one has when experiencing abuse makes Baby Reindeer gripping. The first and second episodes highlight the internal turmoil Donny goes through, his increasing frustration at her turning up to his workplace unannounced and his attempts to respectfully set boundaries. Martha, completely consumed by her obsession, not recognising the signs of Donny’s discomfort escalates the situation. Martha genuinely believes that she’s in a relationship with Donny, and there are moments where he affirms her delusions in order to end the “relationship” between them.
Baby Reindeer explores themes of stalking and harassment in such a raw way. Gadd’s ability to articulate his emotions with such radical honesty demonstrates why the show has been so successful, raising conversations around sexual assault and stalking in way we haven’t had before. The Independent released an article stating that male charities saw an 80% increase in calls following Baby Reindeer, and 53% cited Baby Reindeer as their reason for calling. The CEO of the Manchester based charity We Are Survivors acknowledged that a response of this capacity was unprecedented — a testament to Gadd’s incredible and empathetic writing ability. It resonates because it captures a sense of uncertainty many have felt, when trying to ascertain whether their experience is acceptable. Such ambiguity can leave many struggling to vocalise the nature of their assault.
How can you give a name to abusive behaviour, if the parameters aren't always clearly defined?
Gadd’s “Baby Reindeer” is so powerful because it opens a dialogue about the murky waters of personal boundaries, inappropriate behaviour and consent. In addition, the attempts from us to rationalise these subtle violations and maybe even say “well, it's not so bad now?” or “it's harmless” even though you’re uncomfortable.
One of the most profound scenes from the series is when Donny finally reports Martha, and he's trying to explain the nature of her harassment and he's made aware that there isn’t much legal basis for his claims because she’s not said anything threatening, and the police officer eventually asks him why it took so long to report Martha.
Then we learn in episode 4 that Donny experienced repeated instances of sexual assault by a successful TV writer, and the profound effect that has had on him. The shame he feels from such a traumatic experience leads to a realisation that he’s bisexual. It's hard to watch, because we see Donny spiral and behave recklessly. He struggles to reckon with the assault, experiencing a lot of self blame, wondering why he didn't notice he was being groomed, and over analysing what went wrong. Episodes four to six thoughtfully challenge the notion of what constitutes a “perfect” victim. The idea that victims of abuse must exhibit certain behaviours to be deemed credible or worthy of sympathy. The series underscores that responses to trauma can vary, and behaviours can seem irrational or even counter intuitive but it doesn't diminish the nature of it.
I will say, there could be debate about the necessity of showing rape and sexual assault onscreen and whether its necessary to see it to believe. Episode four, contains a graphic scene of assault — when rewatching the series to write this I had to skip it. Perhaps because of the uneasy feeling I felt in my stomach or the lingering physical image that I feel permanently marked with. However, I am impartial to traumatic scenes, as it can be useful in understanding what abuse looks like, and I don't think we should set a precedent where we shy away from media that invokes discomfort. If people are brave enough to adapt their experiences for the screen, the least we can do is watch. But it depends largely on how it's portrayed; there's a fine line between artistic and gratuitous.
Teri (Nava Mau) is truly one of the best television characters I’ve watched in a really long time. She’s a trans woman with whom Donny begins a relationship with, albeit under an alias. His internalised shame and transphobia inform his relationship with her, he’s attracted to her but struggles to let her in all the way. But what makes Teri so unique is her existence outside of Donny. She's this successful therapist, she’s confident and, although she has feelings for Donny, she doesn’t allow herself to be subjected to mediocre treatment. It's such a refreshing approach as often, trans women can be portrayed as fawning over cis men, and accepting mistreatment, and that can be a reality but it was good to see the other side of the coin. Donny’s relationship with sexuality and masculinity is something a lot cis men can relate to. I think Gadd’s ability to be so honest about his own struggles and failures within relationships can urge others to do the same, and it appears to be causing the necessary reaction that is promoting a shift in attitudes to male victims of abuse.
I urge everyone to watch at their own discretion, you are never able to escape the fact that, for all the cleverness of Baby Reindeer, this is a real story of abuse. Baby Reindeer’s use of comedy is so digestible and it adds so much nuance and realism to his story. Many of us use humour to make better sense of our experiences. Perhaps, the best part of Baby Reindeer is that it is both written and performed by Richard Gadd, he’s fundamentally in control of his story, and he tells it honestly, aware of his wrong doings in relationships, especially with Teri. Overall, Baby Reindeer demonstrates the ways in which abuse can manifest, in new relationships and the effects of trauma on one's sense of self. I think that such will to tell one's story, in spite of how traumatising and especially in a society where the voices of survivors of SA can be stifled, is incredibly brave. Moreover, it demonstrates the power of art in capturing the human experience, and when executed well, can profoundly move us.
I hope many after watching, leave Baby Reindeer with an increased awareness that can start real conversations.
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image IGN
Edited by Cameron Cade
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